i feel stupid and immature and irrational but i also feel relieved and calm. somewhere deep down i know he will notice but maybe that’s what i want, all i’ve ever wanted, his attention.

i am back in control. everything is going back to the way it used to be. nothing is more perfect than these clean, tidy, parallel lines. i want to believe that i don’t need anything else, not even him, but i know that isn’t true so instead i’ll pull away from everything else, from food and from friends and from school and from work until i fade away quietly into nothing.

i’m in a time machine now and the clock is ticking back about 5 years maybe 6 to the moment when i realized that i didn’t need anyone and everything started

right now it might seem like that was a bad place but while i was there it was the best place i’ve ever been.